


We All Have Scars

by SusieBeeca



Category: Undertale (Video Game)
Genre: Anxiety, Body Image, F/F, Scars, Self-Harm, Stuttering, Swearing, the following tag is probably a spoiler
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-21
Updated: 2017-03-21
Packaged: 2018-10-08 15:26:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,803
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10389813
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SusieBeeca/pseuds/SusieBeeca
Summary: When a desperate Alphys shows up in the middle of the night, Undyne tries to piece together what's bothering her so much. Little does she know she'll encounter two secrets rolled up in one.





	

Undyne’s footsteps thundered through the house as she stomped towards her front door; each frantic, staccato rap of knuckles just set her frown deeper, her breath flaring out between her fins and teeth in hot gusts. “Sans, if this is your idea of a prank, I swear I’m gonna hang you from your thumb knuckles,” she muttered.

She shot a dirty look at the clock before slamming the door open with a kick. “FUCK!” she shouted, rubbing at her baggy and bloodshot eye. “It’s three in the goddamn morning---somebody better be DEAD!”

But the rage in her face eased up when she saw the shivering bundle on her doorstep. Her lips parted, and she licked over the rough bits of skin. “Wait, _Alphys?_ What are you---”

“I-I-I—“ Twisting and trembling, she kept slamming her hands together, as if she was worried where they’d land if she let them still. Her cheeks were stained with an unhealthy flush, and streaked on the outside with what looked like thick rivulets of sweat. “I---Und---I---” She snatched her glasses off and fumbled around in an attempt to wipe them clean on her unwashed sleeve. Her eyes only flicked up to Undyne’s face for a moment, but she could see they were even redder than her own. “I-I-I---”

“Hey.” She placed her hand on Alphys’ shoulder, and didn’t bother to retrieve it when she felt her friend seize away. “You... you okay, hon?”

“I---I DON’T HAVE ANY FOOD!”

“Uh...”

“I---Un... Undyne, I, I, I ne-n-e-ne...” She put a claw to her mouth, and took a seizing breath. “I... I need some food. I, the, the pizza places aren’t delivering at this time and no one’s open, I---!”

She fiddled with the back of her hair that was still stuck in a crimp from her ponytail. “Food? That’s all you need?”

“You don’t understand! I---I--” Her claws balled up, and she squeezed her eyes shut. “I’m out of groceries, and this is an emergency! I’m sorry, Undyne!”

 _She’s lying,_ Undyne thought as she gave her a once-over. The lab coat was buttoned, but several were out of place or popped completely off. _No one panics like this over food. Not even Papyrus._ “Okay, okay. Come in.”

She stepped aside and gestured behind her, staring as Alphys bustled in, pacing back and forth in a semi-circle. “So, um, what do you need? A sandwich? I could heat something u---”

“No! Yes! I don’t know!” She then clasped her claws together as if she was praying, and shot Undyne a pleading look. “I-I’m s-sorry to, uh, I don’t w-want you to go to any trou-trouble, I just, I just need _something_. A loaf of bread, a can of tuna---um, sorry---anything. Just, I’ll take something and go. I left my wallet at home, but I’ll---”

She held up a hand. “Look, forget it. I don’t need you to pay me back, and I’m not going to throw a loaf of bread at you and kick you out, okay?”

“I’m sorry.” She hid her face in her palms. “I’m _so sorry_.”

She took a tentative step forward. “Jeez, are you okay?”

“Please,” she whispered to the floor. “I don’t have much time.”

“O... kay,” she muttered. Part of her didn’t want to turn her back on Alphys, but she marched over to the fridge and leaned against the door as she rifled through its contents. “Okay, I’m a little low on groceries, so you got your choice of...” With a frown, she pushed a rotting bag of lettuce to the side. “Some chopped carrots and hummus, butternut squash soup, a pot pie I reheated a few times, um... an old plate of spaghetti---you get three guesses who gave me that, and the first two don’t count.”

She waited for a laugh, but wasn’t surprised when it didn’t come.

“I think this tin is baba ganoush or tzatziki or some shit. Um, half a sandwich. A slice of key lime pie I forgot about.” She glanced over her shoulder. “You know, I’m awake now. I can whip something up if you like.”

“No. The... the soup,” she mumbled as she looked out the window. “Please.” Then her head jerked up when she heard a beep from the microwave. “What are you doing?!”

She raised an eyebrow. “Heating it up. Duh.”

“Undyne, I don’t have time for that!”

With a sigh, she clicked it closed and pressed the start button. “Okay, look. I’ve been patient, Al, but you’re starting to get on my nerves here.”

“I’m s-sorry...”

She rested her back against the wall and folded her arms. “What’s this really about, hm?”

“Just food,” she said, her voice hitching up into a whine. “I just need some food.”

“No one gets this worked up ov.... Fuck, was that noise your stomach?!”

She looked down, almost as if she hadn’t noticed. “Um. I. I think so.”

“Are you starving yourself or something?”

“No. No, it’s not me. It’s not for me.”

Alphys let out a squeak when Undyne grabbed her chin and forced her to look up. “You look like shit,” she said with her usual bluntness. “And you don’t smell so good, either. Are you on one of those weird binges again?”

“No. I’m on to something, but no.”

She closed her eye.  _That’s a ‘yes’._  “When was the last time you ate? Or slept?”

“What day is it?”

“Thurs---no, it’s Friday now. Answer my question.”

“I...” She glanced away shamefully. “I can’t remember.”

The microwave dinged, but she didn’t turn. “Okay, Alphys. You’re a genius, right? So this should be an easy question for you: what happens when you don’t sleep and don’t eat?”

She tapped her clawtips together. “Um. I... I get more done?”

Undyne held out her thumb and then turned it to the floor. “ _Eeeenkt._  Wrong answer. Try again.”

She got that guilty look again, like a little kid who knew the answer but was afraid of the punishment. “I b-bother people in the middle of the night.”

“If I was anyone else, maybe. But still wrong.”

“I... I lose weight!” she said with a half-smile. “I-it’s okay, I have a high BMI anyway, it’ll be good for me to lose a few pounds---”

“ALPHYS!” She turned and punched the microwave when it gave her that annoying reminder beep. “STOP IT! This is fucking ridiculous!” Her fists were shaking, and Alphys winced as if expecting to be on the receiving end of one of them. “You’re playing dumb, and it’s not a good look on you! You’re not sleeping and not eating and you’re going to lose your damn mind! And for FUCK’S sake, don’t talk like that. You don’t need to lose weight. You’re beautiful the way you are.”

She stood there, huffing her chest in and out. She expected Alphys to shrink back, but the blush was a surprise.

“You.... you think I’m beautiful?” she said in a tiny voice.

Undyne put a hand to her face. It was meant to be a gesture of irritation, but---if she was going to be honest with herself---it was more about hiding her reddening cheeks. “Alphys. Not the point. Focus.”

“Um, the soup’s done.”

“Fine!” Without bothering to get an oven mitt, she yanked the bowl from the microwave and plunked it on the counter, resisting the urge to stick her stinging fingers in her mouth. When Alphys took a step forward, she held a hand up and narrowed her eye. “Nope. Nuh-uh. You’re gonna tell me what this is about first.”

“I told you! I need food, Undyne!”

“Yeah, I don’t buy that for a second.”

The wail that came pouring out of her throat seemed to startle them both, and Alphys threw herself on Undyne, twisting her claws so hard into the front of her pyjamas the fabric snagged around them. “It’s TRUE!” she screamed. Tears were blooming around her eyes. Her glasses were fogging, her arms shaking, and she babbled. “I thought I could help and I’ve been trying my hardest and I’ve just completely fucked up now and--- _Undyne, you have NO IDEA what I’m going through!!_ ”

They stared at each other for a breathless moment, and then Undyne’s remaining eye trailed down. Now that Alphys’ arms were tilted upwards, the sleeves of her lab coat had sagged down to her elbows.

Undyne saw her forearms for the first time, and felt her mouth open with a quiet ‘pop’.

Now she realized why Alphys had never gone outside in that strappy little dress. Why she was always scrabbled around with the edges of her lab coat, desperate to keep her sleeves pulled up. A quick flicker in her mind brought back the memory of when they’d been hanging out in the dump, and she’d grabbed Alphys by the arm---and the shudder of pain that followed. The realization hit her somewhere deep in her sternum, and she felt sick.

Alphys’ arms were an open, wet, scarlet mess. From her wrists on downwards were countless gashes. Some were thin and shallow, some deep and jagged, but most of them were too precise to have been accidents. They were all criss-crossed over ancient scars.

It took a moment, but Alphys finally realized what her friend was staring at; her cheeks heated, and she quickly yanked her arms away and shuffled her sleeves back down. “I.” She shuffled around a bit and cleared her throat. “Um. I have a cat.”

“Uh huh.” Undyne leaned back on the counter. “A cat.”

“Yes. A pet cat. Cats show af-f-ffection by scratching.”

“Is that why you need food?”

“Yes. Yes. That’s, I mean, yes.”

She eyed the bowl by her elbow. “And you feed your cat butternut squash soup?”

“They---I mean, _she_  eats anything.”

She bit her lip. Gender neutral pronouns weren’t new to her, but she had a feeling Alphys’ little slip-up was a plural ‘they’. “You gotta train that ‘cat’ better, Al. I’d be **really upset** if I knew someone was deliberately cutting your arms up.”

She didn’t respond.

Undyne reached up to her face. Then she hesitated. It took her a few breaths to steady herself... and then, for the first time in ages, she curled her hair around her fingers and carefully tucked her hanging fringe behind her fin. She winced a bit; even though she was covered collarbone-to-ankles in her thick flannel pyjamas, without her eyepatch she felt stripped bare. She might as well have been---she’d rather go topless than have anyone look at that hideousness she usually kept hidden.

“Al. Look at me.”

She did, and her palm slapped over her mouth when she saw what Undyne had done.

“Look...” She sucked on her teeth a bit, and forced herself to look back at her friend. Her secret crush. She blinked, and the mutilated skin tugged around where her left eye used to be. “We all have scars, Alphys. Some are just more obvious than others.” The next words took some more effort. “No matter where they came from, you shouldn’t be ashamed of them.”

Alphys’ lower lip was trembling. “Th-th-that’s dif-ff-ferent. That... wasn’t your fault.”

“Oh yeah? Whose decision was it to run head-first into that fight?”

“That wasn’t your fault,” she repeated. She was still staring at the empty socket.

“And your ‘cat’ scratching you was your fault, hm?”

Alphys shrunk back at those words, pulling again at her sleeve. “You d-don’t know what's been going on,” she whispered.

“I would if you’d just tell me!”

“I can’t,” she hissed, “Oh, god, I can’t. You’d h-hate me if you knew what I’ve done. What I did to them. What I put them through---”

When Alphys wobbled, Undyne leapt forward and scooped her up in one strong, protective arm. “Hey!”

“I nee... I need...” Her eyes rolled back in her skull and she slumped bonelessly down into Undyne’s grasp.

“Shit.”

She gently slapped the side of her face, but all that accomplished was sliding her glasses off the bridge of her snout. A rumbling snore snuffled out her half-closed mouth; with a careful hand, Undyne put her thumb over her friend’s eyelid and slid it back. Just the sclera showed---she’d fallen asleep.

Bending at the knees, she swept her other arm under Alphys’ legs and lifted her up. “Light as a feather,” she murmured. Her arm flopped down to her side, and Undyne gingerly picked it up again, being careful not to disturb the wounds hidden behind her coat.

Alphys keened and bared her teeth. Before she could stop herself, Undyne tilted her head down and placed a kiss on her forehead. “Shh. Shh, sweetie. It’s okay.”

She pressed her palm against Alphys’ cheek as she carried her up the stairs. It felt like she was burning and freezing at the same time. “Shit,” she said again, and then, under her breath, like a mantra: “Shit, shit, shit.”

After kicking the bedroom door open---and nearly tripping on Alphys’ tail in the process--- she managed to push her friend down onto the mattress, and then pulled the blankets up around her. She was still shivering.

“Right, you’re cold-blooded, aren’t you?” she said, surprised at how her own voice sounded when it was that quiet. “How long were you wandering outside?” Slipping her glasses off, Undye twisted them around in her hands a few times before placing them on the bedside table. “I know what you need.”

Undyne went to her closet and pulled the quilt down from the top shelf, trying not to snuffle at the mustiness. She shook it out and then, as gingerly as she could, tucked it around Alphys’ sleeping form. She took a seat on the mattress beside her, and put a nervous hand on her spines.

She was stuttering in her sleep. “S-sorry,” she fumbled out between her thick lips. “I’m s-so sorry...”

The shrill sound of a pre-loaded ringtone made her jump, and she rummaged around in Alphys’ pockets until she found her phone. “No, shut up!” she hissed, one fingertip trying to plug the speaker and the other hovering over the lock screen. “She’s trying to sleep!”

The ringtone kept blaring, and Alphys stirred to the side. First Undyne tried her birthdate, then her mother’s name, and then, with a bit of embarrassment, her own. It wasn’t until she entered ‘MMKC’ that the phone unlocked, and she slammed her thumb over the ‘reject call’ button.

Finally, she sighed in relief, but her lips were screwed up in a confused little twist; it seemed odd that Alphys would have left the ringtone as it was instead of replacing it with some anime theme. Odder still was the fact that she had over a hundred messages, all marked ‘read’ and none responded to. Undyne’s gaze flicked back and forth worriedly as she skimmed over them; it seemed like each one was from somebody new.

_Hi, me again. I’m free all weekend so plz call._

 

_Yr phone dead or what?_

 

_You said you’d call._

 

_I know you’re busy but it’s been weeks._

 

_Where have you been?_

 

_Some common courtesy please._

 

_Im this close to giving up hope. We helped you. Help us back._

 

_When r u gonna call back?_

 

_We just want closure._

 

_Please doc we have the ceremony all ready we just need the ashs_

 

_I just want my mother back._

 

 

She swallowed heavily when she read over the last few messages, all from private or unknown numbers.

 

_I know what you did._

 

_I’m telling everyone._

 

_I KNOW WHERE YOU LIVE._

 

 

When Alphys let out a short, whining snore, Undyne’s eye wandered down to the tag that was sewn onto the edge of the quilt, and she fingered it guiltily. Even though it was almost a decade old, that embroidered inscription still made her lips thin into her teeth---especially the _’Love, Mom’_  part.

She clicked the phone off and tucked it back into the lab coat. “I’m going to get to the bottom of this. They’re not going to harass you anymore, Alphys.”

She creaked open the door to the bathroom and slipped inside. Under the flickering fluorescent light her scales looked dull, sallow, drained. She winced at her reflection, and quickly pulled her hair back over that hideous gash. It wasn’t until she felt another old, stitched-up wound under her fingers that she realized she’d been hugging herself tightly, running her hands up and down her arms.

The last thing she did before retiring to the guest room was to grab the pack of razorblades off the edge of the bathtub and hide them away somewhere safe. She’d always been taught that scars meant you’ve learned from past mistakes; it wasn’t until now that she understood some mistakes just don’t let go that easily.

**Author's Note:**

> Undyne has a gentle side. Who knew?
> 
> Based on [my headcanon](http://susiebeeca.tumblr.com/tagged/nsfw-alphys) that Alphys' self-doubt led to a really bad coping mechanism. A headcanon from a friend of mine is touched on here too---specifically the part about Undyne's quilt---but I think I'll save that for a companion piece. Thanks for reading!


End file.
